Powerful

Yesterday's service was powerful for me.

First, I thought I was supposed to do media, so I went up to the booth, but Amy was already there taking care of it. Before I left, she told me about an affect Morgan had on someone's life.

Apparently, a couple of weeks ago, she felt the need to speak at Refuel about a good friend who had gotten into cutting, and how she had helped the friend deal with her feelings. Later that week, someone who heard her speak that night messaged Amy, wanting to talk. She said she had heard "that girl" speak about the subject at Refuel, and she had recently begun doing it to herself. Because of Morgan, this girl told someone, and was able to get the help she needed. Because of Morgan, not one, but two girls have been helped - possibly their lives were even saved! Of course, this brought me to tears when I told Morgan about the story Amy had told me, but darn that little booger already knew about it, and hadn't told me! The stinker!

Another, very powerful thing that happened during the service was just neat. I had been looking at Chiv as he spoke. He invited us to prayer, and I closed my eyes. You know how you see shapes when you close your eyes? Well, I saw the very distinct shape of a cross! I soon realized that it was because of the cross on the altar, which Chiv was standing next to, but I had not really noticed it there until I closed my eyes, as the gold cross blended into the light wood paneling behind it!

During his sermon, Chiv told a story about his grandson Joshie, who threw a fit because someone else had the coat he wanted to wear. He refused to go on a walk with Daddy and Grandpa without his coat. Daddy gave him one last chance, standing in the doorway, and Joshie just wouldn't do it. The door closed, and Daddy and Grandpa left without him, and were sad. They were sad because he chose not to join them simply because he didn't have the coat he wanted. How many times have I refused God because I didn't "have the right stuff?" Now I know that God would never go off and leave me, but I know that I have made Him sad because of my choices. God, help me to let go of the things I'm holding on to so that I can experience Your glory to the fullest!

Standing up for myself

Worked late (till 5), came home and cooked dinner. Called everyone, and we ate together. It was a pleasant meal. Then everyone got up and walked away. I announced that since I cooked the meal, who was going to clean up the dishes? Of course, Bob and Aidan replied "Not I!" Morgan didn't reply, but my focus was on Bob. I continued pressing on, stating that I had cooked the whole dinner by myself, and it wasn't fair. He said he would do the cooking and dishes on Wednesday night (our pizza-on-paper-plates night), so I answered that just like sick days around holidays at some businesses, if you take Wednesday, you also have to take the two days on each side - Tuesday and Thursday. Of course, he refused, and warned that if I continued, he would leave the living room and go to the bedroom to watch tv. Well, my feeble little legs really wanted to stand, so I followed him in and told him I would leave the dishes for him to do while I was at Quartet practice. He answered that they would still be there when I returned, so I asked why. His answer? That he wasn't going to do anything, and especially not something that I was "forcing" him to do!

Not wanting the kitchen to get horrible after I just did a major cleaning for the holiday, I went ahead and did the dishes. But I decided that I won't be fixing dinner anytime soon. Morgan mentioned something about that "not going well," and I told her it wasn't over (trying to set the example of using my voice). I warned her that she would probably have to get her own dinner for a while, and told her about how I was going to try to get better at standing up for myself - she reminded me of just a couple of weeks ago when she got in trouble for standing up for me (he refused to take her to school for a couple of weeks because of it). Yep, I need to stand up for myself for her sake, as well.

Now I know that I haven't really used my voice yet. I still haven't gotten mad. And not making dinner is a passive retort, but I'm working on it. I'll get better with practice!

Boundaries

So I got to the point last Sunday night that I needed to talk with someone who I know would give me sound spiritual advice. Thank you TR & JR. I do have good friends in the church, even if not particularly close ones.


They took my story from where it is at this point and got a feel for where I am headed - the paths before me. They even asked questions about my own feelings right now, including if I was even thinking about divorce. I acknowledged that I had thought many times how much easier it would be to be alone rather than to have to deal with the control, manipulation, lack of respect, and verbal abuse that just seems to be worsening. They validated my feelings - something that hasn't been done in my marriage in many years.

Toward the end of our conversation, T asked me what did I take from our time together. These are some of the things I have to think about:

* Boundaries
- I need to set mine WAY lower. I have an extremely high boiling point. In fact, I don't believe I have ever yelled at him. I need to drop this point down considerably, and just GET MAD!
- I need to be much less tolerant and passive. I mustn't be a "dodger", an "egg-shell walker". I don't always have to smooth things over. It's ok to not let the shenanigans fly!
- Insults and control for the sake of control are NOT OK!
- I need to find my voice and use it - to know myself, know what I need to stand up for.

* Spiritually
- I need to feed and nurture myself spiritually, so that I can feed and nurture others, including my marriage. Jesus, as a servant, took care of himself spiritually first and foremost - he spent time with the Father constantly.

* Children
- I need to watch out for the example I am setting for them. I have been concerned for quite a while about the way Aidan is beginning to treat me. Finding my voice and being less tolerant will help in this respect. But I also need to watch out for Morgan. I don't want her to learn to be as passive as I am. She still has fire in her, and I don't want that to be squelched. I need to encourage her to have her own voice as well.

* Who's fighting for ME?
- God is MY valiant warrior - He will protect ME and rebuke those who are mistreating ME! Even if it IS my own husband.

* This Burden
- I do not need to, nor can I possibly, carry this unknown weight by myself ANYMORE. I need to be met halfway, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

Oh, no he di-n’t!

Grrr! He walks in from work this evening and sees the two packages he ordered sitting on the piano bench, so he starts singing, “Happy Birthday to me (since someone didn’t care), Happy Birthday to me (since someone didn’t care),” etc. No, I didn’t get him a present for his birthday, but I had my class call him to sing happy birthday to him, and we took him out for dinner that night. When I reminded him about this dinner, he said we “drug him along”.

So he began fixing dinner (something he’s just recently started to do once or twice a week). All of a sudden, he walked into the living room where I was researching media files for lesson plans, and huffed, “Where’s the wok?” I said, “probably in the sink.” (I knew it was). He started to say something (I’m sure it was going to be something about me helping him by washing it), but he just quit making the dinner altogether, without saying a word. I ended up eating a sandwich, and told Aidan to fix himself some corndogs (Morgan is babysitting tonight).

I absolutely CANNOT believe he went there! In 18 years of marriage, he has NEVER offered to help with the dishes after I’ve cooked the meal! He has NEVER offered to help me cook, yet when he cooks, he ALWAYS asks me to do something, being the delegater that he is!

Father's Love Letter

The words you are about to experience are true. They will change your life if you let them, for they come from the very heart of God. He loves you, and He is the Father you have been looking for all of your life. This is His love letter to you.

My child, you may not know me, but I know everything about you.
You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. 
- Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 
- Psalm 139:2

I'm familiar with all your ways.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 
- Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered,
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.  
- Matthew 10:29-31

for you were made in my image.
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. 
- Genesis 1:27

In me, you live and move and have your being, for you are my offspring.
‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ 
- Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” 
- Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 
- Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 
- Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth, and where you would live.
From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 
- Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 
- Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb,
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
- Psalm 139:13

and brought you forth on the day you were born.
From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. 
- Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.
You are doing the works of your own father.” “We are not illegitimate children,” they protested. “The only Father we have is God himself.” Jesus said to them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I have come here from God. I have not come on my own; God sent me. Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. 
- John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love,
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 
- 1 John 4:16

and it is my desire to lavish my love on you, simply because you are my child, and I am your Father.
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 
- 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could,
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 
- Matthew 7:11

for I am the Perfect Father.
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.  
- Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from My hand,
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 
- James 1:17

for I am your Provider, and I meet all your needs.
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  
- Matthew 6:31-33 

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope,
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 
- Jeremiah 29:11

because I love you with an everlasting love.
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. 
- Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore,
How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.
- 
Psalm 139:17-18

and I rejoice over you with singing.
The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” 
- Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you,
I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. 
- Jeremiah 32:40

for you are my treasured possession.
Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. 
- Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul,
I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul. 
- Jeremiah 32:41

and I want to show you great and marvelous things.
‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ 
- Jeremiah 33:3

 If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.
But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. 
- Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart,
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 
- Psalm 37:4

for it is I who gave you those desires.
For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. 
- Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine,
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. 
- Ephesians 3:20

for I am your greatest encourager.
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. 
- 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 
- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 
- Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. 
- Isaiah 40:11

One day, I will wipe away every tear from your eyes, and I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 
- Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I loved my Son Jesus,
I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.  
- John 17:23

for in Jesus my love for you is revealed.
I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”  
- John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. 
- Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you,
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 
- Romans 8:31

and to tell you that I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 
- 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 
- 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything that I love that I might gain your love.
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 
- Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you will receive me,
No one who denies the Son has the Father; whoever acknowledges the Son has the Father also.
- 1 John 2:23

and nothing will ever separate you from my love again.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 
- Romans 8:38-39

Come home, and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen!
I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.  
- Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. 
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 
- Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is, will you be my child?
Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. 
- John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
¹¹ Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. ¹² The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. ¹³ “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴ After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵ So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶ He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. ¹⁷ “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸ I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹ I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ ²⁰ So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. ²¹ “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ ²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. ²⁵ “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷ ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ ²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ ³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” 
- Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God